David, Lisa, Kayla, Isaac & Annika

So, before Kayla was born, I did a lot of research. I read books on pregnancy, books on labor and delivery, books on parenting techniques, and books on breastfeeding. I like to be well informed so that I can make smart and researched decisions, rather than flying by the seat of my pants. I'm too much of a planner for that. However, in all of my reading and also talking to friends with babies, I clearly missed something about breastfeeding. Or, perhaps, I was just reading and hearing what I wanted to hear! I was determined to breastfeed, so that was that. What I missed was that breastfeeding is a full time job! Seriously. It runs my life and takes a whole lot out of me (literally and figuratively). I read that babies feed every 2-3 hours. What I did not read (or ignored) was that it often takes about an hour to feed - by the time you get all situated, latch her on, feed her, burp her, offer her more, feed her some more, burp her again, change her diaper, try to get her to sleep (if it's at night). Therefore, what they should say is that you have maybe an hour between the end of one feeding to the start of the next. Now, Kayla is really a fantastic baby, I can hardly complain. She is eating every 2-3 hours during the day, but sleeping for longer stretches at night (now, that is). But still, when you only get 1-2 hours between feedings, suddenly time slips away. And for Kayla, she often needs to be touched, so she is sleeping in my arms or on my lap! So, suddenly, things like getting myself breakfast or lunch, going to the bathroom, doing a load of laundry, preparing for dinner, going grocery shopping, etc, become ridiculously hard. My life is run by her feeding schedule. Now, I'm fine nursing her out of the house - I have done it at her Dr office, in the Target parking lot, in the conference room of my office, in the Kohl's dressing room, while walking around Costco (she was in her sling for that feeding!). But I'm not really discreet about latching on and off yet, unless someone else holds up a blanket for me or something, so I try not to need to feed her when I'm just running errands or whatnot. Therefore, I plan my day around her feeding. She feeds, I shower and try to eat breakfast. She feeds, I try to do something around the house. She feeds, I run to the store and run home, to feed her again, before I start on dinner. Then I feed her before dinner. When she does her last feeding at night determines when I go to bed. When she wakes up to feed in the morning determines when I get up. For me, (formerly) a planner, this is quite an adjustment.

I also didn't (want to) believe that it could hurt to breastfeed. I'd heard it might hurt at first, but La Leche was clear that it should not hurt, and if something is hurting there is generally a problem. So, I believed that it might be a bit of tenderness at first, but would soon be pain free and easy. Seriously, I must have been in denial! Now, agreed, it should not hurt. But that certainly doesn't mean it won't hurt for you... Kayla, thankfully, had a great sucking reflex when she was born. Not all babies have that, so I am thankful she did. However, she was trying to suck the nipple right off. My chest was SO SORE those first few days in the hospital, but I was determined that the pain would soon go away. A lactation consultant from the hospital taught Kayla how to nurse correctly, and that was a big help. However, damage had already been done. She had caused a crack to form in one of my nipples. Despite the All Purpose Nipple Cream, the Lanolin and a proper latch, the nipple was cracked for the next 4-5 weeks. Meaning, every time she latched on to my left side, I wanted to cry/scream in pain. Thankfully, it was just for the first 15-20 seconds that it hurt this much, but still. Every 4 hours I knew that I would be in extreme pain. It made me resent her need to eat every other nursing session! But, time heals all things, and now that it has healed we are doing really well. However, it is honestly a full-time job. And like any job, there are good days and bad days!

Speaking of jobs, I am officially out of the paying work force. We had decided that I would not go back to the bank full time, and I was seeing if my office would let me work part time. However, the amount of time I was willing to offer (um, 1 day a week!), isn't enough for them. So, I guess my days there are over. It is both a relief and a sadness. A relief because this has been an unknown situation for some time now... and now the uncertainty is over, and I don't have to dread leaving her, or figure out the logistic of that. However, I cried on my way home from talking with my boss.... and again when I got home... and again when David got home!! :) I absolutely loved my work environment... loved the people I worked with, loved my boss, loved the work I did, even loved the crazy-busy, running around like a chicken with my head cut off, times. I thrived under that kind of pressure, and know that I will really miss that. I hope that I am making the right decision by not going back to work at this time. I hope that I am able to find that kind of situation whenever I go back into the work force. It is a bizarre feeling not to go to work. It's strange not having to rush out of the house to be somewhere on time (minus appointments and whatnot). It's strange not to have to dress up every day. It's strange (and sad) to not get a pay check :) But we are blessed in that we are able to live off of one salary, so that makes it a decision rather than a necessity for me to work. I realize that not many people have that option, and I am very thankful that we are where we are. My mom stayed at home with me, and I really appreciate the sacrifice that she and my dad made to make that happen. I absolutely believe that it contributed to the trust and good relationship I have with my mother today (of course those teenage years were tough!), and helped mold me into the person I am. I hope that one day Kayla will thank me for this decision we have made, and I hope it helps us form a bonding relationship that we would not have if I were working. While this has always been in the back of my mind, that I might stay home with her, it wasn't reality until yesterday. And, now that reality is setting in, it is kind of sad. It is a passing on of something I loved. I will miss it, for sure. But I am also truly enjoying being a stay-at-home mom. And for now, that is all I can ask for.

More pictures have been added on the tab to the right, but here are a few of the latest to enjoy!!