David, Lisa, Kayla, Isaac & Annika

Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love being a mother. But, to say that all is perfect, my child is always an angel, and that nothing has changed in my life would be a lie. I thought I'd post some "harder to hear" feelings, rather than the "everything is so awesome" feelings I usually post about! Things are great, and I really don't have much to complain about it. But it's important to know that everything isn't always perfect and grand, and those feelings are ok to have too.

I've lately been quite overwhelmed by the responsibility of being a mother. There is a little person who needs me ALL.THE.TIME. Part of this is my fault, I really haven't left her for more than an hour here and there. And of course I am breastfeeding, so I realistically can't be gone from her for too long, without bringing along my pump or whatnot. Truth be told, I don't really want to leave her. I haven't left her in the church nursery yet, haven't left her in the YMCA childcare... haven't left her with anyone besides family (well, and friends that we consider family)... and still, not more than like an hour. So maybe it's my fault. But sometimes when David comes home, I just want to leave and go be by myself, where I can't hear her, can't see her. Even when we are together and David is holding her, she is constantly tracking me, smiling at me - and how can you not smile at that! She loves me!! At least that part is rewarding! But sometimes I just need a break. I can't even turn off the "mother switch". Once a mother, always a mother. It seems I'm constantly thinking about her, worrying about her. David and I play on an indoor soccer team, and wanted to continue this once we had children. We had worked it out that only one of us would play each week, so the other could watch Kayla. Well, more times than not, it has ended up that we both need to play, and someone else has watched Kayla for us on the sidelines, behind a piece of glass. And wouldn't you know, with all the noise and chaos of soccer, I can practically hear her yawn! My ears are so in tune with her every noise. This past week there was another baby there too who was in distress - crying, screaming really. And I kept looking over there to make sure she was ok. I knew it wasn't her cry (I thought all babies cries were alike, but they are unique - who knew?!), but I kept looking over her way, to make sure she wasn't joining in on the crying, and making sure she was ok. Grrrr! How annoying - I couldn't turn off that mothering, even though I knew she was well fed, well being cared for, etc. It's this huge responsibility, and one that I really can't get away from, even for a few moments. I find this overwhelming.

And then there are always doubts. One of my good friends says this about parenting: "You do the best you can with the information you have". Meaning, you are aways going to try to do your best. You can read books, do research, listen to advice, have "on the job training" if you will, and you will filter out what you think is the best of it all, and adapt to that parenting style. Inevitably, by following one school of thought, you are turning your back on another. For example, there is a school of thought to get your child on a schedule, and another that says to let your child dictate the schedule. There is a school of thought that says to let your child cry themselves to sleep in their crib, and another that advocates co-sleeping. I've done a lot of research, and have friends that practice both ways. I am choosing to do the best I can with the information I have. This at times can be hurtful to people who choose (or have chosen in the past) to do things differently, and they can feel defensive of the choices they made. However, there are things we choose to do differently - not because what we think they did was wrong, or bad, or anything like that. We just have found different ways to deal with some issues and choose to solve them differently. We don't mean to hurt anyone by this, but it's almost inevitable. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am trying to do my best with Kayla - trying to learn her cues, trying to keep her safe and healthy and happy, trying to maximize my sleep, trying to still do the things I enjoy and incorporate her into my life. But still, sometimes I doubt the decisions we are making, and hope that I'm not screwing her up in the long run! I think I'm doing the best I can with the information I have, but I am constantly afraid there is other information out there that I don't know about yet, that I should be doing, that will one day negatively affect her life! I can't really worry about this - I have her best interest in mind, and think I have really good mother instincts. But still, it's easy to doubt.

Speaking of mother instincts... I feel like I really KNOW my daughter. I can often tell the difference of her cries. Her "I'm hungry", or "I'm bored". And I just learned her "I'm in pain" cry last week, when she was teething. I didn't think kids teethed for several more months. But last Thursday a friend was over and I mentioned how Kayla cried this horrible "something is very wrong - fix it now" kind of cry, and I had no idea what was wrong. I tried to calm her with all of my tricks, but nothing was working. Turns out, 2 days later teeth popped through. So the cry that I didn't understand was exactly what it sounded like - indeed she was in pain. Next time I will know!!

Anyway, all is well for the mostpart. We are gearing up for Christmas and had fun picking out and decorating our tree. The bottom two pictures are from the Christmas exhibit at Meijer Gardens that we took her to see last weekend.

Life, as always, is an adventure. Times of trials (or lack of sleep!) remind you how blessed you have been in the past. We truly are blessed and thank God for the adventures we get to take.