No Vacation
So, I realized something in Florida: I will never get a vacation from being a mom. Granted, while down there lots of people held Kayla, played with her, distracted her when she was fussy, etc. But at the end of the day, I'm her mom, and that is something that no one else can be. It's special that I am such a source of comfort to her.... that I can make things right in her world just by holding her. However, it's also frustrating. I can't "turn off" being a mom. I can't forget that responsibility. I can't take a vacation from it. I suppose it might be different if I was away from her (like took a vacation without her!), but if she is there I will always be on call. I don't know why I thought differently.... but I guess I did. Before having a child, going on vacation meant that you could forget about what you do on a day-to-day basis, relax and enjoy yourself. Now, since on a day-to-day basis I watch Kayla, being on vacation was just different scenery. Being a mother requires constant selflessness; you are constantly thinking about someone else. Their needs are more important than your own. I suppose that's part of the definition of love - putting someone else's needs above your own. I think I discovered that I miss being selfish sometimes, being able to think about just my own needs. For the past almost 8 months, almost 24 hours a day I have been putting her needs above my own... and I'd like a break from that. Not for long, I'd miss her too much! But for a little while, I think it would be nice. Not sure how I'm going to get that, but that's what I would like.