A Bit Out of Sorts....
So.... yesterday I was a bit out of sorts. I wrote THE LONGEST POST EVER about all of the things that are frustrating me and making me feel so down (which I do not intend to actually put up on the site, there is no need). Yesterday I was sobbing uncontrollably.... for no apparent (good) reason. The intellectual side of me can easily say that I really don't have a case for being so frustrated/moody/upset/out of sorts. The emotional side of me was out of control yesterday. OUT OF CONTROL. Like, I had absolutely no perspective on life. Everyone was out to get me, go out of their way to make my life miserable (I know, I'm crazy!). The intellectual side of me says that Kayla is a baby.... she isn't trying to frustrate me. She doesn't want to be sick (I had to take her to the Dr, she had over 100 fever 3 days in a row. Turns out she has another ear infection, and this one actually needed to be treated because her left eat was pussy... poor kid) and she doesn't mean to be more needy that normal. She doesn't mean to hurt me when she pulls and eats my hair (this must be a comfort mechanism for her?). But the emotional side got the better of me yesterday. And it seemed nothing was going right, everything was going wrong, and I couldn't gain control or perspective. I felt like I was drowning. Somehow after many prayers, a change in attitude and a good night of sleep (um, and googling PPD, which for the record I don't think I have!) I am doing much better. I think I am battling a lot right now (all I need to do is re-read all I wrote yesterday, and indeed, I have a lot on my plate... lots to do, lots of little conflicts that need resolution, lots of emotions) and I let it completely overwhelm me. Completely. There were 2 things that helped stop the sobbing. First, Kayla thought it was hilarious. She was crying too, and all of the sudden she was laughing and trying to hit my face. I don't know if she thought the tears were like a toy, or that my wrinkled face was me making a silly face at her.... but seeing her finding it funny brought some humor to the situation. The second thing is perspective. My goodness.... I was crying as though I just found out a loved one died.... or something really terrible. My emotions were so far gone that while one part of me realized it was ridiculous, the other part of me couldn't snap out of it. I've felt like this once before.... but a change in BC pills made the situation better. So, I'm thinking it must be a combination of my situations and my hormones, and I realize that hormones can be a little out of whack while breastfeeding. A little might be underestimating the situation. They might be majorly out of whack?! Anyway.... I post this to ask for prayers. I'll be just fine. I'm doing immeasurably better today. A lot of the emotions I'm feeling have to do with still adjusting to being a mom.... the sacrifices I'm making (not working, no personal time or space anymore, my body, my interests, my ability to get things done, freedom, etc)... and although I love Kayla to pieces, sometimes she can drive me to tears :) I wouldn't trade my situation for anything... anything. I love my life; I realize that I am truly blessed. But it doesn't mean that life is always easy or fun. And I'm trying to keep that all in perspective.