Expectations
I have been thinking a lot about life lately. A little over a month ago David found out that one of his friends from his high school youth group was in a terrible accident with a commercial lawn mower. He has 3rd degree burns on over 30% of his body and the mower crushed his vertebrae and has left him paralyzed from the waist down. I have been following his recovery on a Caring Bridge blog his wife keeps and I am truly in awe of their faith in God. This is obviously not what they had hoped for. When he left for work that day, they didn't realize that life would change so dramatically. I don't really know this friend. I've met him only a handful of times, mostly at weddings. But his faith in God through the struggles, his wife's faith through the circumstances is unbelievable. It's awe inspiring. If they can have such faith in such a rough situation, surely I can have faith too. I am sure they EXPECTED him to come home from work that day and life to carry on like normal. But from reading the blog, I think they have changed their expectations of life to expect God will provide for them, whatever the circumstance.
Then we just found out some terrible news about a couple that we met a few times, several years ago. He was just a little older than we are and he unexpectedly died of a heart attack last weekend. Although we haven't kept in contact at all, the news hit me hard. I just can't imagine what it would be like to wake up one day in her shoes. That is not what you hope and dream of, it's your worst nightmare.
For me, I think life is hardest when I'm expecting one thing and something else happens. I'm a planner, and so I kinda like to think things will go as I plan! I'm trying to change my attitude so that instead of expecting to get my every wish or desire I'm instead expecting that God is faithful and will be with me no matter what happens.
After thinking about my life and some of my expectations with Kayla, I'm trying to change my attitude. She is not a good napper, never has been. She just doesn't require sleep that the books say she will or that my friends’ kids do. I kept a notebook of her sleeping habits for 1 year and as a result I lowered my expectations (a little) of her... I didn't expect her to take multiple 2+ hour naps like many kids take, I just expected her to just show some signs of consistency. Since she typically takes two 45 minute naps a day (currently that is), I expect that of her. So when days where she takes only 1 nap and it's only for 30 minutes I get.... angry. I can't explain why something so petty makes me so very angry, but it does. Naps are important to me. I need that time away from her, time to do things that I need to do or want to do. I feel ENTITLED to this time by myself. It's my right! I'm a really good mom and I pour my heart and soul into her when she's awake.... I deserve this time to myself! But I'm also not happy when I stick her up there thinking she's tired and she cries or screams.... my blood pressure rises and my patience with her dwindles. I don't even get to enjoy that time to myself because I'm angry at her for not sleeping! So... I did a little research (at ask Moxie) and found some other moms who have kids that just don't require sleep (fyi - my mom says I never napped!).... and they said that for them it was important to just give up that expectation. If their kid is happy and enjoying life and not crabby like they need to sleep (which describes Kayla), then why torture themselves by expecting their kid to fit into a box of a typical napper? After a little soul searching I've decided that I really need to change my attitude about her sleep in general. I would let one blown nap ruin my day. I would let one scream-fest from her make me an unhappy person. If she is happy all day, even when I go up to get her from her non-nap, why am I making such a big deal about it? I guess because I expect her to do things.... expect her to nap like she did the day before, etc. I've been trying this whole attitude change for, um, about 2 weeks now... clearly I don't have a lot of time under my belt, but I will tell you that I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I am clinging to the good in the situation. For example, it doesn't matter if she naps good or bad during the day because either way she consistently sleeps about 10.5 hours uninterrupted at night. That is something to be thankful for! And also, she really is a happy little girl. Even when she sleeps so little during the day, she is still really good at self-entertaining and it isn't like she is melting down with exhaustion.
So... my whole point is this: I can't let my attitude be wrapped up in something I have no control over. Things will never go as planned, so roll with the punches. I will say that I am a much happier person these past few weeks, and that has occurred on days when she has napped both uncharacteristically long and uncharacteristically short! It's all a matter of me CHOOSING to be happy, despite my circumstance. I'm trying this on a very petty topic (Kayla's napping schedule) and hoping that finding the good in every situation will find its way into the rest of my life.