Demanding
In the first few weeks of Kayla's life, she was very demanding. She nursed all the time..... no, really, all the time! She would nurse 10-12 times a day, each session taking a minimum of 30 minutes, often much longer. She was so demanding of my time, my body, my energy. I remember resenting the fact that I had to go to sleep at 9, or whenever she did her last feeding for the night, so I'd be able to get 4 solid hours of sleep before she woke up again at 1. David would keep her downstairs and let me sleep until she needed to be nursed again. It seemed that the demand would never end. But somehow, it did. Somehow the 10-12 times a day lowered and lowered until recently we're down to just 2 or 3 a day. And now, it seems she is demanding all the time (for my time, energy and patience, but not so much my body) except when she is nursing! The few times a day I get to relax are the few times of day when we are snuggled up on the couch together, with her caressing my hair and face and nursing.
While I was still pregnant with Kayla I went to a LLL meeting. I wanted to have the best resources I could find before I had her and wanted as much knowledge as I could have before she was born. While there, one of the mothers nursed her 2.5 year old child. I remember thinking it was weird. I remember saying that I will never be like that. I remember thinking that with the stories I'd heard from other people/friends, I'd be thrilled if I was able to make it a year. But her 1st birthday has come and gone and the time when I said I would quit nursing now seems like it was picked so arbitrarily. Now that we'd made it past that point, I see things from a very different light. I see what a special bond I have with Kayla, how much she enjoys nursing and how much it can calm her down if she's upset. I don't nurse on demand anymore, haven't for many months. I nurse on a schedule (morning, late afternoon and night). But if all else fails, and she's hurt herself or is inconsolable, it is really nice to have nursing as a option. It is nice to know that I am still providing her with the best nutrients possible. It is nice to know that I am helping her ward off colds and other sicknesses with the antibodies I'm giving her.
I don't intend to continue to nurse Kayla forever, clearly. I don't think I'll still be nursing her at 2.5 like that mother at the LLL meeting. But I'm learning to never say never. I'm doing the best I can for Kayla by nursing her, and plan to continue as long as it is something both she and I desire. She basically decided to drop from 4 to 3 sessions, and I'm fairly certain she is looking to drop the mid-afternoon one as well. The last week we have only done that one a few times. So maybe she will decide to wean herself without me having to choose when to do it! But when I go get her first thing in the morning she always immediately points to the Boppy and says, "Bop-bop?", her way of asking to nurse! I guess I'll enjoy it while it lasts, because before I know it that part of our relationship will be gone. But we are stronger for it.