Mama Guilt
For almost 18 months I stayed at home with Kayla full-time. I loved it. I wouldn't change it or do anything differently if I had the chance to do it over again. But sometimes I felt/feel really guilty. Staying at home with Kayla is harder work than working at an office... I can say that with better understanding now that I have been working in an office (part time) for awhile! Being at home full time is draining, both physically and emotionally. But yet, it is a pleasure to be so lucky to be able to do this. Many mothers would like to but can't for one reason or another. I realize I am very blessed. While it is a difficult job, it is one where I can go to parks in the summer, write blog entries during her nap time, sleep in until she does, and have the pleasure of spending the day with her. Now, I don't mean to glorify it, because some days she is crabby and it seems like it is not a pleasure at all! But for the most-part, I know I am really lucky to spend quality time with my daughter. I know that life is short, and I will never have the early years of her life back. I love that I am at home with her all the time, molding her character and her manners and her values (as much as you can). That is one of the big reasons why David and I wanted me to stay home with Kayla - because we wanted one of us to be the one raising her. We didn't want her in daycare where the people there have as much influence on her as we do. I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes I feel guilty that I'm staying home with her. Even though it is an extremely difficult thing, it is such a privilege to be able to stay home with her and I feel guilty that I'm so blessed to be able to do what I want.
For the past 5 months I have been working part time. It was supposed to be for only 6 weeks (which started in January), but then it was extended another month, and then another (although my "for sure" last day is Friday!)!! Anyway, I was thrilled with the opportunity to be able to go back to work to help out. I loved my job, loved the people I worked with, loved the work atmosphere, etc. And you know what? I am loving working there. Two days a week is just enough time for me to have a significant impact at the office with minimal impact at home. But you know what, I still feel guilty. I feel guilty twice! I feel guilty that I'm leaving Kayla in the care of someone else (and mind you, I have a good friend who takes care of her while I am gone.... a friend who has similar character/manners/values that we have and who I trust). I feel guilty that I am not with her all the time. And yet, I feel guilty that I am enjoying the time away from her! She is at a challenging stage right now - she is testing things, frustrated with her desire to communicate but lack of skill (although she is getting better and better), and she is exerting her independence like I didn't know was possible! And it's nice to get a break from that. But then, I feel guilty that someone else has to deal with that! It doesn't end, does it?!
I guess I've found that no matter what I do I will have some guilt. I'm just trying to live in such a way that I don't have regrets, and know that no matter what path my life takes that I'll be fine. This short term deal (well, it’s turned out to be a lot longer than I’d initially expected) has turned out to be a really interesting experience for me. It’s given me a greater appreciation for David. It is hard work to work outside of the home. There is stress and pressure and it is mentally very exhausting. When I come home from a day of work, Kayla is needy… needier than she is when I’m with her all day. She wants to be with me, wants me to hold her, and doesn’t want me to do anything but pay 100% of my attention to her. It makes a simple task like cooking dinner extremely complicated. And of course, I’ve been away from her all day, so I want to spend time with her. But at the same time, I need some time to debrief from my own day. I need some time to myself. And that time is really hard to get. I’ve realized that I need to allow David to have some time to himself. I’ve tried to be more sensitive to his needs when he comes home from work. It also makes me sad for him – sad that he only gets to see Kayla for a few hours each evening. The nights go by so quickly for me on days when I work. I feel like I hardly get to spend time with her. I’m thankful that I don’t have to be gone from her every day, and that I get to spend the majority of my days with her!
It’s also been really nice to be back in a work environment. I’ve heard people say that a risk for stay-at-home moms is that they feel like they don’t get adult talk time. I don’t really feel like I’ve missed out on that. Maybe it’s because I talk to Kayla all the time, or maybe it’s because I get out of the house and have play dates or go to playgroups or have other types of interaction. But there are some negatives about being a stay-at-home mom that I’ve noticed now that I’m back to work. I am a good employee and I work really hard at my job. At work, my boss and my co-workers praise and appreciate my hard work. At home, Kayla does not! Not to say she isn’t grateful, but she certainly doesn’t come out and said, “Thanks for taking care of me today, mom!” or “Thanks for reading that book 100 million times to me!” or “Thanks for coming up with creative things for me to do!” I don’t need constant praise, but it truly is a nice thing to hear, and staying at home full time is not conducive to it.
Anyway, it will be interesting for me to go back to being home 100% of the time again. I am looking forward to it for the summer. We are doing a lot of traveling and it's hard to be gone and then come back and work and then pack up and do it all over again. And one of the perks of staying home is that you can get out and enjoy the weather, which is (in Michigan) really only for a few months! I will miss the people I work with, I will miss the breaks from Kayla, and the extra money has been nice too! I am sure it will be an adjustment, but I'm looking forward to it!