The Vacation is Over
Ok, forget about catching up.... that didn't happen. I promise I will do that some day... but meanwhile I have to start getting myself up to date. So, here goes.
I knew moving would be hard. I knew it would be sad. What I didn't realize was how long it would take me to feel this way. This last week has been really, really hard for me. In many ways, moving here has been like a vacation. Everything happened so fast! We had to pack up our entire home, make arrangement for all of our stuff, say goodbye to friends in a matter of a few weeks. It was crazy. Also, I learned I was pregnant and started feeling sick, and of course tired. So, add that to everything else that was going on and life was a bit insane. I felt like I was getting ready for a vacation, a very long vacation. I said my goodbyes, but it didn't feel real to me. I knew there was a time when I would be really sad, but minus a few brief moments of sadness, I really didn't cry. Which, frankly, is amazing. I'm an emotional person, and I'M PREGNANT, therefore am typically extremely emotional. But, I chose to kind of ignore those emotions I guess, for my own self preservation, and knew that I would deal with them at a later time. Well, that later time is now. I just came back from a 2 week vacation in MA, and I am starting to realize that life down in NC is now my life, and not just a temporary thing. And I'm sad. Really, really sad. Unfortunately, while in GR I would often go weeks, months even without seeing those who I consider my closest friends. But it was no big deal. We'd see each other and catch up and we picked right up where we left off. I've been down here now for about 8 weeks I think, and I'm starting to realize that I'm just not going to see those people soon. And that makes me so sad.
The transition to living with my in-laws has gone better that I'd thought. It's still living in someone else's house, and it's hard is some circumstances for us (and for them I'm sure!). But honestly things are going great. My kids are loving having family close (real close right now!). Kayla has a new best friend, Uncle Brian. She would follow him to the moon! And it is just FUN having them involved in my kids lives. That's why we moved down here - we wanted to be near David's siblings, and their (eventual) families.
But I am lonely.
It started out when a friend posted a picture of her girls on Facebook. I nearly broke into tears because they already looked different than when I saw them last. I've known these girls since they were born, and would see them on a weekly basis for the last 7 years. And now, I'm no longer a part of their lives. I won't see them in person for who knows how long. And that broke my heart. Kayla misses them too and keeps asking me if I've given them directions to come and visit us. Break.my.heart.
I talked to my babysitter this week, one of the only people who I ever left my kids with other than family. We sort of have built in babysitters right now, since we're living with family. But it makes me sad that she will never watch my kids again. I didn't have to tell her what my kids needed to eat, didn't have to explain their routine to her.... she'd done it enough that she knew. And she loved them like they were part of her family. And I can't imagine trying to find someone like that again.
And I feel trapped here. There are spaces in the house that are totally baby-proofed and we can have lots of fun playing. But I want to get out of the house. I want to call a friend and meet them at Meijer Garden. And even though I'd barely be able to have a 30 second conversation before we each head in a different direction chasing a child, it would still be connecting and still be somewhere for me to go. I miss my weekly mom's Bible Study and the women I've come to know and enjoy. I miss going to the Y and seeing the familiar Y childcare workers... and getting a break from the kids while working out. I miss the Children's Museum, where I knew the layout and what my kids enjoyed and what I could expect. Since we've moved down here it's been in the 90's almost every day. It's like too hot to go outside and play at a park during the day. I feel like I don't have anywhere that I can go... there is no familiar MG, or museum, or park, or mall play area that I can go to. I can get to the grocery store and Target without a GPS, but otherwise, I have no idea where anything is.
And I feel like life is on hold right now. We are actively looking for a house right now. But we are looking in a whole bunch of different areas in about a 30 min radius, so it's hard to know exactly where we are going to end up. I really haven't had the energy to try to make friends, nor did I have the need for it... I was too busy trying to survive the 1st trimester. But now I want to start to make connections. But how? I've done a little browsing the internet looking for some churches to visit. I know that we will try to get connected there and will meet people there. But again, I want to find a church close to our house, and since we don't know exactly where we will live.... I know I want to get involved in a mom's Bible study, but most take a break for the summer. Plus... where are we going to live? It would be nice to have that be at either our church, or a church nearby. I need to enroll Kayla in preschool. It starts in either late August or early Sept. Either way, I'm like 6 months behind in registering her. I'm sure I will be able to find a place that has an opening, but I don't have the time/energy to search for one when I don't know where exactly we are going to live. Noticing a pattern here?! :) And, I haven't searched for a pediatrician yet either, because I want to find one relatively close to our house. I did find myself an OB, but it hardly feels like an accomplishment when so many other things are going on.
Anyway, now I'm just rambling. But, I've been dying to get this off my chest and into this blog. I feel like reality hit me this week, and it hurts. I don't regret our decision to come down here, but it's hard. I knew it would be hard, and it is. I've shed a lot of tears this week and I know there are a lot more to come. Someone told me that it takes 1-3 years to really get adjusted to living in a new place, so at only 2 months into it I know I have a lot more to go.